SCANDAL! Waterpark Episode Guide
If you couldn’t make every wet and wild twist and turn of SCANDAL! Waterpark, our serial drama connect Erich Meese dished the scoop on every installment here at Dad’s Garage. Click the episode title to read a summary of the intrigue, betrayal, twists, turns, and really cool splashdowns of every episode of this season!
The cast of SCANDAL! Waterpark. Photo by Nick Sketchety.
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Martin LeDouche, the owner/manager of the Old Froth Ward water park, called the entire staff together for an “alley rally” to go over new business. First on the agenda, he announced that they were re-opening the Manuel’s Cavern ride, which had been closed for a week after four people died in a political argument. But while one ride was opening, another was closing; they had to close Sploosh Mountain (their most popular ride) because Dr. Poole had found a rat king. When he realized that everybody already knew about the rat king, Martin declared that in the future, all rat kings must be reported to management immediately.
After the meeting, Martin showed the new intern Tyffani LeDouche (Martin’s niece) around the park to explain her duties. The park EMT Terry Armstrong joined them on the overhead platform to advise Tyffani on park safety. Terry said that the secret of safety is for Tyffani to get over her fear of unsafe things. As an example of unsafe things, Martin showed Tyffani what NOT to do by climbing over to the other side of the railing and standing on the edge of the platform. Martin was immediately attacked by birds (“Oh, my nuts!”)
Lifeguards Tommy ‘T.J.’ ‘Torpedo’ Johnson and Roy set up their lifeguard chairs, noting that they were too far back from the pool to actually be useful. T.J. remarked that he felt unappreciated and useless because he hadn’t saved anyone. Roy suggested that maybe the fact that they hadn’t NEEDED to save anyone meant that they actually were doing their job right. (“Maybe it’s possible to be so good at your job that you’re bad at it.”)
Dr. Poole was working in his laboratory when Tyffani entered. She admired all of his scientific equipment (both pieces of it), and Dr. Poole explained that he was trying to perfect his chlorine formula. Tyffani suggested that he try using Clairol blonde hair coloring in his formula, as she curiously examined his test tubes. Dr. Poole warned her that some of those test tubes could kill all organic life in the park. Shocked, Tyffani asked “Why would you HAVE that?” As Dr. Poole explained that human beings are teeming with bacteria, Tyffani accidentally knocked over a test tube. Dr. Poole reassured her that THAT one was harmless.
Martin’s mother Mumsy LeDouche was running the park’s Lost and Found booth to keep her hand in the family business. Martin came by and told her that the park was being overrun by birds. Mumsy rummaged through the Lost and Found to find something they could use against the birds, and came up with a Kaiser Permanente prescription bottle. Martin confessed that he was feeling overwhelmed and worried that he wasn’t up to the job of running the park. Mumsy slapped him and declared “No one talks about my son like that!” She tried to boost his confidence by telling him “I see myself in you.” Martin was appalled by her approval.
T.J. was swimming in the pool when Terry came floating by. She complimented him on getting into the spirit of the water park, and T.J. replied that he was SO into it that he could feel all the patrons’ skin cells in the water. Terry countered that T.J. hasn’t felt her skin on him in two years. Terry warned T.J. that their relationship was over and that she was seeing Dr. Poole now. However, they could still continue their professional relationship with Terry acting as T.J.’s bookie. Since T.J. had no money to bet, they arranged this wager: If T.J. doesn’t save anyone this week, he’ll quit his lifeguard job and come to work for Terry.
Roy entered the breakroom and kicked out the customers so he could take his break. Dr. Poole entered, spraying the room (and Roy) with his mister. Poole said that he was worried about Roy, saying he could tell that there was something missing in Roy, like the wedge in Pac-Man. The metaphor got derailed as Dr. Poole tried to explain it, until Poole gave up and decided that a pie chart was a better metaphor. Roy remembered an incident from his childhood, when his father, a Coast Guard officer, took Roy to “Take Your Son to Work Day,” and tested Roy by simulating an emergency and telling Roy to save him…but Roy couldn’t. His dad was okay, since it was just a simulation, but Roy still failed. Dr. Poole was disgusted by Roy’s confession of failure, and suggested that Roy should feed himself to the birds.
Tyffani was in the park’s official intern apartment (actually the supply closet) when her grandmother Mumsy knocked on the door. Tyffani asked if the family had ever missed her after Tyffani’s mom moved away to protect Tyffani from the corruption of the family’s money. Mumsy replied that she’d missed Tyffani just like she missed her husband Craig. As Mumsy started reminiscing, Tyffani asked Mumsy to braid her hair as she told the story, since a tactile element would enhance their bonding. Mumsy started braiding Tyffani’s hair as she recalled how she and Craig founded the park many years ago, and ran it happily until Craig disappeared after an e. coli outbreak. After finishing her story, Mumsy treated Tyffani to some Nerds, though Tyffani wasn’t sure how to eat the candy since her mother had never let her have refined sugar. Mumsy offered to take Tyffani under her wing, declaring that Tyffani could be a great lifeguard. Tyffani protested that she was afraid of water, so Mumsy decided to make it her mission to help Tyffani get over her fear.
Martin called Roy and T.J. up to the roof to discuss the park’s bird problem, revealing that things had gone too far: a swarm of birds had attacked a 9-year-old and made him fall in the pool, getting water in his ear. Martin proposed using the pill bottle Mumsy had found to get rid of the birds. Roy wanted nothing to do with drugs, but Martin assured him that these were PRESCRIPTION drugs, so that’s okay then. As they tried to figure out how to get the birds hooked on the drugs, a pill accidentally fell into the park’s water supply. (“We just infected everyone!”)
Dr. Poole was spraying in the supply closet (“It smells of insecurity and Pall Mall in here!”) when Terry entered. Terry warned Dr. Poole that she would not let him seduce another intern, since she knows that interns find scientists irresistible, just like Bill Nye. Dr. Poole changed the subject by asking if Terry had the money that Tommy ‘T.J.’ ‘Torpedo’ Johnson owed him; upon saying T.J.’s full name, Poole started ranting that T.J. had too many nicknames, explaining that the only valid nickname is one that a bully or family member bestows on a person. Terry said she didn’t have the money yet, but would soon: “You can trust me, Ralph.” Upon hearing her use his first name, Poole shouted “How dare you?” Dr. Poole (or Dr. Ralph Poole Jr.) cautioned about ever mentioning the name of his father “whom I killed and consumed.”
Mumsy took Tyffani to the pool to acclimate her to the water. As Tyffani started to step into the pool, she fell in and started thrashing about. Roy dived in and rescued her (albeit a very chaotic rescue).
Afterwards, Roy entered the breakroom and was surprised to see that Martin was relaxing with some birds. Martin explained that the birds were also taking a break, as the breakroom was neutral territory. The birds left to give Roy and Martin some privacy, and Roy revealed that Tyffani had fallen into the water—the same water that the pill had fallen into. (“She’s gonna be hooked on Kaiser Permanente!”)
Dr. Poole was in his laboratory when T.J. entered. T.J. warned Poole not to underestimate him, saying that Poole isn’t the only smart person in the park; T.J. has a scholarship. Unimpressed, Poole demanded the money he’s owed. Poole attempted to intimidate T.J. by showing him his rack of dangerous test tubes, then drinking from one (“strawberry yogurt!”). T.J. informed Poole that Kaiser Permanente drugs had gotten into the water supply. Dr. Poole realized that the drugs would react with the chlorine to turn the birds into giant monsters. Poole declared that the only solution was to kill Martin LeDouche.
EMT Terry was treating Tyffani, who had swallowed a lot of drug-tainted water; Terry applied the Heimlich Maneuver, making her cough up Nerds. Regaining consciousness, Tyffani said that she had seen a prince or white knight who had rescued her. Roy arrived, and Terry pulled him aside to ask what was going on between Roy and Tyffani. Roy asked if she was familiar with Pac-Man, and after 45 minutes’ explanation of the metaphor, Roy finally got to the point and explained that Tyffani had fallen in love with him because he rescued her. (“Classic Florence Nightingale Syndrome.”) Suddenly, they noticed that Tyffani was starting to grow larger. Terry shouted “It’s a She-Hulk!”
Martin called the entire staff together for another alley rally. He explained that they’d have to close the park for a week to detox the water supply, and he took full responsibility for the disaster. However, he had good news: While the park is closed, he’d lured the birds into Manuel’s Cavern, where they’ll consume each other. Terry warned that there might be another possible outcome: the birds might tangle their tailfeathers together to form a bird king. Despite her concerns, Martin said that this is an opportunity for a fresh start, with no more bickering, profiteering, or self-recriminating. The entire staff joined hands in solidarity, except for T.J. and Dr. Poole.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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Martin LeDouche called the staff together for a meeting to introduce them to the park’s new mascot, Frankie the Fun-Time Frog. Everyone was thrilled to see their favorite childhood hero, with Dr. Poole declaring “It’s an honor.” Frankie explained that he wasn’t just there as a park mascot; he was also there to enforce health & safety standards, and to eliminate redundancies. Frankie took a paper from Martin and started to read the announcement (though he had difficulty reading through his mask) that one of the park’s most popular rides, the Deep Peek Underwater Creeper Viewing Platform, was closing because the “peeks” were broken, but a new ride (The Andre 3000 Experience) was opening in its place. When Martin tried to take the paper back to clarify the announcement, Frankie went off on him. Upset by being yelled at by a childhood favorite, Martin stormed off to cry and masturbate.
Mumsy LeDouche went to visit her granddaughter Tyffani in her “intern apartment” (the storage closet). Tyffani explained that she wasn’t sure of her role in the park, and didn’t even know who she should report to anymore; Mumsy replied that Tyffani could report to her. Mumsy encouraged Tyffani to assert herself, and Tyffani tested her confidence by yelling at a pool skimmer. Mumsy told her to take that confidence to Martin and demand a raise. Tyffani declared that she would do so…after Martin finished masturbating.
Later, Martin was inspecting the Swamp Hole ride when Dr. Poole came by to inspect the water levels. Dr. Poole informed Martin that “there’s a wonderful surprise” for the patrons at the end of the ride: “Whatever they got going on, it’ll speed it up.” When Martin pointed out that that sounded vague and dangerous, Dr. Poole assured him “It’s 100% safe, part of the time.” Martin challenged Poole to take the ride himself, if he was so confident. Poole revealed that the end of the ride is where he’s keeping all his chemicals. Martin was shocked, but Poole easily talked him into allowing it.
Mumsy and Terry, the park’s EMT and unofficial bookie, were watching the customers and rating their physiques. Mumsy lamented that she was once the queen of the park, but now her son Martin didn’t have any faith in her and had relegated her to running the Lost and Found. Terry pointed out that “Lost and Found is a good place to lose yourself, or find revenge.” Terry noted that the park was going downhill ever since Martin took over, pointing out that Martin was even re-opening the dangerous Swamp Hole ride. Terry offered to help Mumsy reclaim control of the park, and Mumsy could let Terry continue her work as bookie until Terry reached her goal of 100 bets.
Lifeguard Tommy ‘T.J.’ ‘Torpedo’ Johnson was talking to Frankie as a line of customers made their way through the park. T.J. declared that he’d idolized Frankie as a child, and offered Frankie a Mystery Flavor Fruit Roll-Up. To get the Fruit Roll-Up into Frankie’s mascot costume, T.J. had to give it to him mouth-to-mouth, causing a nearby kid to ask what they were doing. Frankie yelled at the kids, ruining their childhoods. Frankie thanked T.J. for the Fruit Roll-Up, but warned that it wouldn’t influence his decision. Frankie explained that he was there to cut redundancies, and the park might not need both lifeguards AND an EMT.
Dr. Poole was in his laboratory when Terry entered. Poole demanded the money that Terry owed him, but she replied that she was there for a more important reason. Poole warned her that his test-tubes contained every communicable disease in the world, but she countered that she had built up an immunity thanks to rescuing several patrons from the Swamp Hole. Poole boasted that it was all part of his plan; soon, the chemicals in the Swamp Hole would turn the customers into super-mutants. Poole threatened to take this news straight to Channel 2 and Monica Kaufman. Since Monica Kaufman was one of the few people Poole respected, he asked Terry what she wanted.
Martin was relaxing in the wave pool when Frankie the Fun-Time Frog popped out of the water and apologized for his behavior at the meeting. They admitted that they’d both been under a lot of pressure, but before they could bond any further, the waves in the pool started getting bigger and bigger until they both went under, with no lifeguards in sight.
Mumsy stopped by Tyffani’s apartment and found Tyffani depressed. As Mumsy comforted Tyffani, Tyffani noted that she’d never known the touch of a grandmother, since her mom took her away from the rest of the family years before. Mumsy told Tyffani about her plan to take over the park and bring it back to its former glory, with Tyffani as her assistant, but they would need to keep the plan secret. Tyffani was thrilled, since she’d never had a secret to keep before. They pinky-promised on the plan.
Having been rescued from the wave pool (but still suffering the effects of the chemicals), Frankie and Martin were recuperating in Martin’s office when T.J. came in to check on them. T.J. tried to help Frankie by offering him some Fruit by the Foot, but Frankie called it “gross” and protested that he only liked Fruit Roll-Ups. They asked why T.J. hadn’t been on duty to rescue them, and he explained that he was taking one last look at the Deep Peek Underwater Creeper Viewing ride. Martin asked if T.J. had even been listening when they explained WHY it was closed. Frankie harangued T.J., lecturing him on how badly T.J. had let them down. T.J. forced Fruit by the Foot into Frankie’s mask to shut him up.
Terry stopped by the concessions stand to talk to Mumsy, who informed Terry that she’d brought Tyffani into the plan to take over the park. Mumsy revealed that she had a key to the plan, both metaphorically and literally…she still had a key to the park’s main office, which hadn’t been opened for years. Terry exclaimed that not even a keyhole repairman had been able to open that door. Mumsy pulled out a bag of candy and showed that she’d hidden the key in a Gusher.
Dr. Poole stormed into the office and angrily yelled at the helpless Martin: “Why couldn’t you die instead of Frankie?” Frankie protested that he wasn’t dead, but Poole stated that it was only a matter of time, since the wave pool had been full of chemicals from the Swamp Hole. Martin tried (and failed) to stand up and confront Poole. Poole informed them that there was hope; one vial of chemicals in his lab was the cure. Martin asked if there was enough for both of them. Poole’s response was stony silence.
Mumsy and Terry went to the intern apartment/supply closet to tell Tyffani more about the plan. They tried to restore Tyffani’s confidence by taking off her glasses and letting her hair down to show that she’s been beautiful all along, but Tyffani didn’t feel any more confident—just blind. They tried to get her to assert herself with role-playing, asking Tyffani to pretend Terry was Martin and ask her for a raise. When Terry (as Martin) refused, Tyffani choked her with an inflatable whale. Mumsy declared “That’s a step.”
Afterwards, Mumsy visited the office to see Martin and Frankie. Even though he was dying, Frankie flirted with her, but Mumsy cut him off. (“Frankie Fun-Time, we had our fun time 15 years ago!”) Mumsy insisted that Martin wasn’t dying, he just had low blood sugar, so she force-fed him Sour Patch Kids and told him to do five jumping jacks. Martin tried to do jumping jacks despite being unable to rise from the floor, resulting in him knocking Mumsy down and getting all three of them tangled together on the floor. T.J. rushed in and separated all of them, then told Frankie that if he was here to eliminate redundancies, Frankie should fire Martin. Frankie pointed out that his more immediate concern was not dying.
Dr. Poole was searching for the cure vial in his laboratory when T.J. came in, also looking for the antidote. Poole realized that Terry had taken the vial, and T.J. rushed out to find Terry and use the vial to save Martin, and thus save his job.
Tyffani entered the office to check on Martin and Frankie. Frankie asked her to get him some champagne in his last moments, but since she’s only 18, she couldn’t serve alcohol. Tyffani broke down crying and admitted to her uncle Martin that she’d joined Mumsy and Terry’s plot to take over the park, but she couldn’t go through with it, since she had so little family left and couldn’t bear to lose either her uncle or her grandmother. As a demonstration of her loyalty, she suddenly snapped Frankie’s neck. (“I never killed a frog before, but today’s the day.”)
Terry was up on the high dive when T.J. climbed up to retrieve the vial from her (despite her protests that the board wouldn’t support their weight). T.J. pleaded with her to give him the vial for the sake of their relationship, but she retorted that they’d only fucked once, nothing more. As if fate were answering, a gust of wind blew them into each other’s arms. Again he asked for the vial, and she explained that she’d planned to take it to Monica Kaufman, expose Poole’s plans, and take over the park. T.J. countered that HE planned to use the vial to save Martin, and then take over the park himself. They agreed to place a bet on which one of them could save Martin and rule the park.
Afterwards, Terry rushed into the office and saw the carnage. She asked if Frankie was still alive; Frankie shrugged, and they decided it was a Schrodinger’s-cat situation. Terry offered to save Martin, but first asked what was in it for her. Martin offered to call a meeting and declare “Terry rules, Martin drools.” Unimpressed, Terry warned Martin that he was losing to a dead guy. As they talked, T.J. sneaked in, swiped the vial from Terry, and gave it to Martin. Before Martin could drink the vial, Terry swiped it back and poured it down Martin’s throat so that she could claim the victory. As Martin’s health started coming back, everyone else rushed in. Dr. Poole was shocked to see Frankie the Fun-Time Frog dead, and Tyffani admitted “I fixed him like a keyhole repairman.” After first shouting that the word she was looking for was “locksmith,” Poole informed her that “there was a man inside that frog.” Tyffani was shocked to learn that Frankie had been a man in a mascot costume and not an actual frog, but Poole reassured her that it wasn’t her fault, it was Martin’s. They held an impromptu Viking funeral in the wave pool, with Tyffani firing the flaming arrow to set Frankie ablaze. During the funeral, T.J. tried to take credit for saving Martin, but Terry pointed out that SHE had been the one to administer the antidote, and thus, under the terms of their bet, she now owned T.J. Shocked by all the bickering, Martin reminded everyone that they were all one big water-park family, and brought them all together for a group hug.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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Martin LeDouche called a staff meeting to inform everyone that they were re-opening the Wet & Wild AF ride for adults (the clothing-optional ride with spermicidal jelly in the water), but they would now be using its full name, “Wet & Wild Adult Fun,” because too many patrons assumed that “AF” stood for “Ass Fucking.” However, they were closing another ride, the Oakland Swimetery, because someone had been taking liberties with the skeleton. T.J. admitted that it was him, and that he might actually still have a bone up his dick.
Lifeguards Roy and T.J. met in the “intern apartment” (actually the supply closet), and Roy was amazed by all the stuff, since he’d never been in there before. They found a fancy whistle, much better than the ones they were issued, and they complained about their shoddy treatment. They started discussing Baywatch, and how disappointing their own lifeguard careers were in comparison. T.J. snatched up the whistle, saying that he’d earned it, only to accidentally break it off of its chain. T.J. admitted that he was stressed out and losing it. They both tried to calm down by simultaneously drinking from the same can of Arizona tea.
Martin was walking through the park when he ran into Ralph Guard and Ralph Guard Jr. of Two Wet Hunks freelance water park inspectors. Martin pointed out that the park had its own water inspector, Dr. Poole, but they weren’t impressed. Ralph Sr. boasted that they were the 4th and 5th generation of Two Wet Hunks, an old family business. Cowed into submission, Martin got on the intercom and made an announcement for the staff to fully cooperate. Ralph Jr. pointed out that the announcement wasn’t up to code, as the pitch didn’t meet announcement standards. Martin adjusted the pitch of his voice, but now Ralph Sr. accused Martin of making fun of Ralph Jr.’s voice. They informed Martin that they were going to inspect the hell out of every inch of the park.
Mumsy LeDouche was at her post at the Lost & Found when Dr. Poole came in and started rummaging through the Lost & Found box, telling her he was looking for his lost respect for her. They reminisced about their past relationship, many years ago…so long ago that Poole could be Martin’s father. Poole informed her that he was going to do her a favor by killing Martin to save the park. Mumsy protested that she didn’t want her son dead, she only wanted to take over the park. Poole insisted that killing Martin was the only way to achieve that goal.
Terry, the park’s EMT, snack-bar vendor, and bookie, was doing safety checks on her equipment when Ralph Sr. & Jr. arrived. Demanding to see their badges, she asked if they were legit or just bullshit. Ralph Sr. declared that their bullshit IS legit, going back 4 to 5 generations, ever since the first water park opened during Reconstruction. She asked if that meant that the Oakland Swimetery skeleton was their ancestor. Hearing her admit that there was a skeleton in a water ride, Ralph Sr. pointed out that was a code violation. Terry accused them of having planted that skeleton in order to CREATE a violation and frame the park, then realized that they would need a time machine to have planted it in the past. Ralph Sr. retorted that the only time machine they had was a clock, counting down the time until they shut down the park.
Martin and Mumsy were standing on the high dive, looking over the park, when Ralph Guard Sr. entered, bragging that he was going to shut down the park. Mumsy reminded Ralph about their past relationship, causing Martin to freak out. Ralph Jr. entered, shocking Mumsy with his existence. Mumsy accused Ralph Sr.: “You had a kid and you never even told me?” Ralph Sr. countered: “YOU had a kid and you didn’t even know it?” Hearing this revelation, Martin and Ralph Jr. embraced, declaring “BROTHERS!”
Dr. Poole was in his laboratory when T.J. kicked in the door, followed by Roy. Poole congratulated T.J. on his dramatic entrance, while calling Roy’s entrance “weak.” The lifeguards started to confront Poole, but they got sidetracked into a discussion of Baywatch. Poole turned the tables, pointing out that T.J. and Roy weren’t living up to Baywatch’s heroic image of lifeguards. Poole offered to make them “the strongest lifeguards ever” if they helped him kill Martin. Terry, who had been eavesdropping, entered and warned them that there might be a time traveler in the park. Poole and Terry got into an argument over theories of time travel, until they all got back on track and agreed to kill Martin. They all tried to join hands, but fell over in the attempt.
Martin called a meeting to inform the staff that “Every ride is temporary closed” because Two Wet Hunks had found the E. Coca Coli virus in the water, and that the entire staff would be laid off until they re-opened. T.J. asked if he could keep the whistle he found, and Martin was shocked to see that T.J. had broken the legendary Golden Whistle, and quite possibly brought a curse down on the park.
Roy went to his lifeguard station and found the Oakland Swimetery skeleton sitting in his chair. He started talking to the skeleton, discussing his friendship with T.J. Roy explained that their friendship had been solid like a rock, but now there were cracks appearing in that rock. Roy said that he might be good at saving people, but he didn’t know if he could save T.J….especially since T.J. broke that whistle.
Terry entered Dr. Poole’s laboratory to continue their discussion about time travel. She pointed out that Poole had a habit of mentioning “hypothetical” things that don’t exist yet, like something called TikTok. Poole insisted that time travel is impossible, citing the TV series “Cosmos.” When Terry looked at him as if he’d proved her point, he insisted “That’s something that exists now! It’s Carl Sagan, not Neil DeGrasse Tyson!” Terry shouted “Ah-HA!” As they argued, Dr. Poole accidentally stepped on a test tube, and Terry picked it up and held the broken glass against Poole’s throat. At shiv-point, Poole explained that he had to kill Martin to prevent the darkest timeline from happening (“I’ve seen a man with a brain worm taking charge!”).
T.J. arrived at the lifeguard station and found the skeleton sitting there. He started confiding in the skeleton, explaining “You’ve been inside me, I feel I can trust you.” He explained to the skeleton that he’d always looked to Baywatch for inspiration, hoping he could save people the way that David Hasselhoff did…but now he found himself wondering whether he could also kill people, perhaps even kill Roy.
Martin was sitting in his office when Ralph Jr. came in, mopping the floor as he entered. They had an awkward conversation, bonding over how similar they were in their lack of social skills. Martin asked if Ralph Sr. actually was a time traveler as Terry had speculated, and Jr. admitted that he didn’t understand a lot of what his dad talked about…so there was a possibility. They asked each other’s ages, to find out which of them was the older brother and thus who should look up to who; Martin said he was 30 and Ralph Jr. said he was 32. Martin said that he wished they could do brotherly activities like go on rides together, but all the rides were shut down. They decided that since Martin was in charge, he was free to break the rules…and they could break them together.
Mumsy was up on the high dive, reflecting on old memories, when Ralph Guard Sr. noisily “sneaked” up behind her. She asked him why he had REALLY come to the park, and he explained that he was looking for the missing bone from his ancestor’s skeleton. Mumsy replied “I think T.J. put it up his dick.” Mumsy changed the subject and confronted Ralph about keeping Ralph Jr.’s existence secret from her, especially since she didn’t remember even having another baby. Ralph explained that 32 years ago, Mumsy had passed out and given birth in the car; Ralph took the baby into the gas station to wash him off, and while they were inside, Mumsy woke up and drove off, never even realizing she’d given birth.
MUMSY: “I woke up bloated and covered in blood…I thought I’d just had a Hot Pocket!”
RALPH SR.: “You DID have a Hot Pocket, and its name was Ralph Jr.”
Ralph Sr. had another confession for Mumsy…he’s contracted the deadly, flesh-eating E. Coca Coli virus, and not even time travel could save him…but it COULD save Ralph Jr. He told Mumsy she needed to find that bone and put it back where it belongs, or else not only would the park be doomed, it would never have existed. Mumsy agreed to save the park.
Roy entered the supply closet, walking in on T.J. singing “X Gon’ Give It To Ya.” Apologizing for the intrusion, Roy said he’d just come in for a drink, but all they could find was suntan lotion. T.J. took a sip of lotion, then said it wasn’t as bitter as what he had to do next—resign. Roy tried to talk him out of quitting, reminding him of all their Baywatch memories, but T.J. insisted he couldn’t be a lifeguard anymore. T.J. started stripping off his uniform, while Roy attempted to stop him. In the struggle, Roy fell through the wall, landing with a spine-snapping noise.
Meanwhile, Martin and Ralph Jr. were engaging in some brother-bonding by riding down the closed Wet & Wild Adult Fun ride in a dual swim ring.
Further up the same ride, Mumsy and Ralph Sr. were also riding together as part of Ralph’s dying wish. Mumsy told him to hold on and to know that he is loved as he goes out.
Even further up, Dr. Poole and Terry were riding together and discussing what they needed to do to save the park: retrieve the bone from T.J.’s dick and restore it to its proper place.
And even further up, T.J. had gotten on the ride with the skeleton, thanking it for showing him see that he needed to leave the park and stop holding himself back.
When everyone reached to bottom of the ride, Martin called a meeting, telling the staff that by closing the park temporarily, it had helped them get back to basics. As T.J. announced that he was quitting, both Mumsy and Terry rushed him to retrieve the bone. Terry and T.J. got into a vicious fight, with Mumsy caught between them. Mumsy ended the fight by burning T.J.’s chest with her cigarette. Mumsy and Terry tackled T.J. and spread his legs, allowing Martin to remove the bone from T.J.’s dick. When Martin returned the bone to the skeleton, the time paradox resolved, and Ralph Sr. went back to the past, causing Ralph Jr. to fade from existence. In his place, Roy reappeared, having been brought back to life by the changing timeline. Not accepting that as an excuse, Dr. Poole harangued Roy for having been absent during the fight.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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Martin L’Douche gathered everyone together in the breakroom for a staff meeting. Tyffani had returned to the park after a week’s vacation at Club Med, and Dr. Poole was shocked to see her as a woman for the first time.
POOLE: “You left a dormouse…”
TYFFANI: “And now I’m a muskrat.”
Martin asked Tyffani just how old she was, and she replied that she’s almost 19. Terry asked Martin why he was asking his own niece such a question, and he explained that he was just trying to get an idea of her college classmates’ ages. That didn’t make the question any less creepy. Getting the meeting back on track, Martin revealed that the Stone Fountain attraction was re-opening, since the patron who’d been blinded by the laser show had dropped the lawsuit. Terry pointed out that Stone Fountain is still the park’s most racist ride, and Martin couldn’t argue with that. Martin continued the briefing by informing them that the Swamp Hole ride was closing, as it was clogged for unknown reasons. Tyffani pointed out that they’d given out numerous free-pass coupons for the Swamp Hole to patrons, and they needed to honor those passes. Martin suggested that the customers could turn in those tickets and exchange them for lap dances from T.J.
Later, Dr. Poole was in his lab when Terry came in to confront him about the money he owed her. Poole retorted that he couldn’t trust Terry, as she had taken some chemicals from his lab, but she countered that she had repaid him by trying to arrange a meeting with Monica Kaufman. When Terry provoked Poole by calling him Ralph (his hated first name, the same name as the father he’d killed and consumed), he retaliated by using her full first name, Terrashilla. When she asked how he knew her real name, he explained that he’d been tracing her lineage back several generations. Attempting to resolve the confrontation, Terry proposed that they cooperate. She explained that, in her capacity as the park’s bookie, she’d taken several bets that Martin would die. She needed Poole to hold off on his plans to kill Martin (at least for now), so that she wouldn’t have to pay those bets off, and that would repay Poole’s debt. He reluctantly agreed.
Lifeguards Roy and T.J. went to check out the clog in the Swamp Hole. Roy was still upset that T.J. had knocked him out of a window, forcing the injured Roy to use his father’s Coast Guard-issued crutch. T.J. dismissed Roy’s concerns, mocking the heirloom crutch by saying that the Coast Guard isn’t a real military branch anyway. Before Roy could react to this insult, two figures emerged from the Swamp Hole…two black-clad, ‘80s-haired young men. They introduced themselves as Vlad and Chad Dracula, and explained that they had been invited, showing their free passes for the Swamp Hole. They said that they were there to party and to score some puss and dong. Roy was immediately suspicious, and the Dracula brothers asked if it was because they were Eastern European. T.J. called Roy on his anti-European bigotry, and in the ensuing confrontation, T.J. knocked Roy’s crutch out from under him.
Martin called Tyffani to the high dive to present her with an official staff jacket. Seeing him atop the diving board when she arrived, she urged him not to jump, telling him he has so much to live for despite everything that’s going wrong. He said that he hadn’t been thinking about jumping until she brought up the subject. Bringing the conversation back around, he told Tyffani that he admired her poise, chutzpah, and je ne sais quoi, and that he wanted to recognize her efforts by promoting her from an unpaid intern to a minimum-wage employee. Accepting the jacket, she promised not to let him down. In her first official act, she was going to organize a mandatory mixer during the 3:00 break period.
Vlad and Chad Dracula were messing around in the wave pool when Dr. Poole came by and sprayed them with his mister, to no effect. They asked him if he was a medical doctor, and he admitted that he wasn’t, he’d just legally changed his first name to “Doctor.” He told the brothers that he had seen “Lost Boys,” and was surprised that they would come to a water park filled with running water, one of their greatest vulnerabilities. Vlad and Chad pointed out that it wasn’t HOLY water, so they weren’t bothered. Then they freaked out Dr. Poole by making him think that the hair on his head had changed to pubes. (“Oh, like the noodles and worms scene!”)
Roy visited Tyffani in the intern apartment/supply closet, telling her that T.J. had tried to kill him, and that there were vampires in the park who looked like Wang Chung. She didn’t understand the reference. She suggested that he simply work out his differences with T.J. and the vampires. Then she thanked him for saving her a few weeks ago, and told him she wanted to show her appreciation. She’d decided to start being more forward since she started watching Loveline, then digressed into a discussion of an episode where a woman in a mortuary screwed a guy back to life. He was grateful (for her appreciation, not for the Loveline summary), but told her that the lifeguard’s code prevented him from getting involved with someone he’d saved. She understood, but invited him to the mixer all the same. He agreed if he’d help her keep an eye on the vampires. She asked if this was a stake-out.
Looking for a snack, T.J. stopped by the concessions stand and told Terry he was “looking for some grub-grub for my mouth-mouth.” She asked why everything he said sounded sexual, then said he’d get no snacks from her as long as he was flirting with Tyffani and giving lap-dances to customers. Trying to ingratiate himself, he suggested that she could make good odds on bets that there were vampires in the park. Terry realized that vampires are “old money,” and thus a great opportunity. T.J. got down on his knees and presented Terry with a swim ring if she would go out with him. She agreed as long as T.J. could get her that vampire money by the 3:00 mixer. T.J. proved his dedication by putting on the too-small swim ring, and they exchanged Sour Patch Kids to close the deal.
Roy was searching the Lost & Found to find some kind of weapon against the vampires. Dr. Poole arrived and mocked Roy as being an empty shell of himself, like a peanut with no nuts, emphasis on “no nuts.” Then Poole noticed Roy’s crutch and recognized it as a Coast Guard-issued model, going back generations; in recognition of its service, Poole apologized to the crutch, not to Roy. Poole revealed that he was also out to kill the vampires, and told Roy that by defeating them, Roy could save humanity and be the biggest “life guard” in history. Then Dr. Poole started going on and on about what the hell that sexy-saxophone-guy scene in “Lost Boys” was all about. Getting back on track, Poole told Roy that they needed to stab the vampires in the heart and then cut off their heads.
ROY: “Sounds complicated.”
POOLE: “IT’S A TWO-PART PROCESS!”
T.J. went to warn Martin about the vampires, but Martin replied that it was more important for T.J. to repair his friendship with Roy. (“If you’re not fighting for Roy, the vampires have already won.”) T.J. acknowledged that Martin had a point, but they still needed to figure out how to kill the vampires. Martin explained that it’s a two-part process.
At the 3:00 mixer, Tyffani tried to keep a “stake-out” watch on the Dracula brothers while still running the mixer. When Vlad and Chad flirted with Tyffani, Dr. Poole warned them not to try any of their vampire tricks. Vlad and Chad pointed out that they’d never actually said they were vampires, and asked why everyone kept assuming that they were. Martin suddenly asked “Wait, were you guys clogging the Swamp Hole?” When they admitted that they had been there, Martin realized that the ride was now unclogged, so they could re-open it, and T.J. wouldn’t need to give any more lap-dances. As the staff celebrated this good news, Vlad and Chad suggested that Tyffani take out her ponytailer and let her hair down. When she did so, the brothers were struck by her beauty. With Vlad and Chad distracted, Dr. Poole urged Roy to kill them, while Terry urged T.J. to do the same. T.J. snatched away Roy’s crutch and jabbed it into the brothers’ chests. Unfortunately, the crutch was blunt.
Afterwards, Tyffani asked Terry why she was planning to kill Martin, and Terry explained that she wasn’t trying to kill him, just taking bets that he would die. With that cleared up, Terry asked why Tyffani had returned to the water park. Tyffani explained that she was there both to bond with her family and to become a career woman. Terry asked if that was why Tyffani wore glasses with no lenses, and Tyffani admitted that she just wore them to look more professional, like Kim Basinger. Tyffani began to cry, lamenting that she was about to turn 19 and had never had a birthday party. Terry decided to give her one.
Martin was standing by the wave pool, lost in thought, when Dr. Poole arrived and began urging Martin to jump in and end it all. Martin just stood silently as Poole continued to egg him on. Suddenly, Dr. Poole remembered his arrangement with Terry, hearing Terry’s voice in his head shouting “DON’T KILL MARTIN!” Dr. Poole awkwardly excused himself.
Vlad and Chad Dracula were having a cookout, when Terry brought Tyffani and most of the rest of the staff, turning the cookout into Tyffani’s birthday party. As everyone sang “Happy Birthday,” T.J. suddenly rushed in with Roy’s crutch (now sharpened) and attacked the Dracula brothers. They snatched the crutch away from him and began attacking everyone in self-defense.
VLAD: “We’re not vampires! We’re just rich Eastern Europeans!”
TERRY: “What’s the difference?”
T.J. realized he had one last chance of defeating them…he performed a lap-dance so powerful and sexy that it could kill (like the opposite of the woman who sexed a guy back to life in that Loveline episode). Terry pronounced the brothers dead (though they kept speaking up, forcing Terry to keep finishing them off until they finally shut up). Dr. Poole declared that T.J. was the chosen one to eliminate the vampire threat, not Roy. Roy realized that he hadn’t accomplished anything and wasn’t needed. Frustrated and enraged, Roy took off his lifeguard’s whistle, blew it sharply, and threw it on the ground to announce his resignation. Everyone pleaded for Roy to stay, as he stormed off.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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Episode 5: Love and Money
Martin L’Douche called a staff meeting, noting that it was the first meeting they were having without Roy. When Dr. Poole claimed that he didn’t know who they were talking about, Martin pointed out that Poole had been the best man at both Roy’s wedding and his divorce. Poole said it still wasn’t ringing a bell. Moving on, Martin explained that while Roy may have quit, he was still permitted to be in the park as a patron. Martin continued with more park business: The Hose Town ride was closing, since six kids got caught in a kink in the hose before getting shot out at high speed. On the other hand, the Wet-Tennial Olympic Park was re-opening, and it was now 11% wet. (“Just like my pussy,” Mumsy interjected.) Roy walked into the meeting, but T.J. immediately blew his whistle and shouted that the meeting was for employees only. As they threw Roy out, Mumsy gave him a parting gift of a Cosmic Brownie.
After the meeting, Martin and Tyffani were testing the stanchions in front of the rides. Tyffani thanked her uncle for her promotion, and informed him that she was trying to live up to her new responsibilities by drawing inspiration from Sandra Bullock movies, like when she went to rehab in “28 Days Later.” (“Wait, she went to rehab in that zombie movie?”) Martin confided that the park was in trouble…they were facing a lawsuit from the kids who got stuck in Hose Town, and the park could close forever. Martin told her that their only chance would be to defame the kids and run a smear campaign.
Roy was nostalgically revisiting his old lifeguard chair, when he was surprised by the bombastic voice of the Reverend Teflo Money. Brother Money declared that he had never seen such a run-down park, and asked how it had fallen into such disrepair. Brother Money announced that he could “save” the park by making it part of his church. Entranced by his charisma, Roy fell under the Reverend’s spell and offered to be his witness in court.
T.J. entered Dr. Poole’s laboratory and asked in Poole had ever been in love. Poole replied that he had, several times, with his experiments. T.J. explained that he needed some kind of potion to charm the most beautiful woman he knows, Terry. Poole said that he could provide such a potion, but it would cost the ultimate price. T.J. didn’t have any money, but he offered to kill Martin for Poole. Poole accepted the offer.
Terry stopped by Mumsy’s Lost & Found booth to ask Mumsy’s advice on workplace relationships. Mumsy stated “There’s pros and there’s cons, and there’s nothing in between.” Mumsy revealed that one of her own past relationships had come back to haunt her…her ex-husband, Teflo Money, had returned, and was suing the park in order to take it over. Mumsy resolved to take her cigarette and stick it up Teflo’s anus.
With Roy no longer on the job, Martin was acting as a lifeguard, but was completely ignored and disrespected by the patrons. Roy, now a civilian, came by and blew his whistle, making the unruly patrons immediately fall in line. Roy and Martin got into the pool and discussed what Roy’s been up to since quitting; Roy admitted that he’d never left the park, and had been living underneath the high dive and subsisting on spilled concessions. Roy then confessed that Rev. Money had “rubbed a revelation” out of him, and sobbed that Money was using his information against the park. Martin forcefully reassured Roy that, whatever might happen to the park, it wasn’t Roy’s fault.
Dr. Poole was spraying down the gazebo when Rev. Teflo Money arrived. Despite being a man of science, Poole admitted that he respected Rev. Money’s grift. Poole informed Teflo that he knew that the Reverend had deliberately sent those six fat kids to the Hose Town, knowing that they would get stuck. Teflo bragged that he had been fattening up those kids for years to pull off this plan…and he even started with ten kids, but four died before they could even get to the park. Teflo said that he would still have a job for Poole after Teflo took over the park and turned all the water rides into giant baptismal fonts; he would need Poole to maintain the water quality, and he’d even let Poole achieve his goal of raising the chlorine levels to 100%. Poole pointed out that “You’re gonna kill a lot of babies.”
Tyffani informed her grandmother Mumsy that she knew that her grandfather had returned to the park; she’d recognized Teflo Money’s face from her locket. Mumsy admitted that her no-good ex-husband was back, but she still had feelings for him. Tyffani compared Mumsy’s situation to Sandra Bullock in “Practical Magic,” and suggested that Mumsy needed a spell to help her. Mumsy complimented Tyffani on her inner strength beneath her innocent act.
T.J. took Terry to the outdoor snack bar and told her he needed her services as the park’s unofficial bookie. He told her he was there to place a bet…that she would fall in love with him. Terry pointed out that the two of them were a mismatched couple (“I’ve got the brain, you’ve got the brawn”). T.J. countered that he may not be book-smart, but he’s not stupid…he’s very observant, and had noticed her fondness for gold jewelry. He presented her with a gold bracelet that he’d gotten from the claw machine. Terry acknowledged that “The path to my heart IS paved with gold…but specifically Teflo’s gold.” She explained that she was going to pursue Rev. Money for his wealth, even though she had no attraction to him whatsoever. She still accepted T.J.’s bracelet, but told him she’d only keep it in her pocket and not wear it.
Martin stood on the high dive, pondering the return of his father, Rev. Teflo Money. Roy emerged from under the high dive to ask why Martin seemed so down. Martin explained that he didn’t know what to say to the father he hadn’t seen in years. Roy sympathized, as he’d never been able to live up to his Coast Guard hero dad. Roy suggested that he and Martin could swap clothes and change places, and that way Roy could spy on Rev. Money and figure out what Martin should say to him when Martin’s finally ready to confront his dad. Martin agreed, but cautioned Roy: “Just don’t do anything fucked up while you’re in my clothes.”
Mumsy and her ex-husband Teflo ran into each other in line for a ride, and exchanged awkward greetings. Teflo pointed out that if she had stayed with him, she could have lived in the lap of luxury, “waited on hand and foot by little fat boys.” She retorted that he hadn’t given her that option, since HE was the one who ran out and cheated on HER. He explained that he had to cheat on her for medical reasons—his sperm was so powerful that, if he’d only spent it on her, she would have exploded. He had to dilute its power by spreading it around wherever he could, even having sex with an anthill. Mumsy declared that she didn’t care if he did spew his “cum-nuggets” on ants, the only thing she cared about was that he had abandoned his family. As they argued, they came close to kissing, but Mumsy broke away at the last moment.
T.J. Came to Poole’s lab to collect the potion. Poole assumed that T.J. had fulfilled his agreement by killing Martin, and T.J. assured him it was as good as done. Presenting the potion to T.J., Poole instructed him that once he takes it, he’ll bond with the first person he sees…then he’ll have 24 hours to consummate with her, or his cum-nuggets will explode. T.J. asked if the potion was taken orally or anally. Dr. Poole asked, “How well do you want it to work?”
Tyffani and Terry were inspecting the park grounds, wondering why the anthills were all gunked up. Tyffani brought up the subject of workplace romances, saying that she fully supported Terry’s relationship with T.J., but there would be some forms to sign before they consummated. Terry complimented Tyffani on her professionalism, and Tyffani explained that her job was all she had (apart from her Tomagachi) since she never really had a family. She’d never even had an Olan Mills photo taken. Terry offered to organize a family reunion for her at the park, even though Terry still planned to betray Tyffani’s uncle Martin.
At the Wave Pool, Rev. Teflo Money held a funeral service for the six fat kids who got stuck in the Hose Town, when Roy (wearing Martin’s clothes) approached him. Teflo was completely fooled, declaring “Oh, my son, I’d recognize him anywhere!” Roy/”Martin” warned Teflo that he was on to Teflo’s tricks, and that Teflo couldn’t get in his head. Teflo retorted that, as Martin’s father, he was ALREADY in Martin’s head, heart, feet, and DNA…”and I can end you like I started you.” “Martin” told Teflo to get on his holy horse and leave, but Teflo declared that he had no intention of leaving. He was going to turn this park into a Prosperity Gospel Baptism Factory, and no one was going to stop him. Teflo grabbed Roy’s tie and started strangling him while shoving him into the water, as the park patrons/congregation watched and cheered.
Shortly afterwards, Tyffani rushed to tell Mumsy that she’d seen a body floating in the Wave Pool. As she described the clothes the body was wearing, they realized that it must have been Martin.
Despite this shocking news, the entire staff still gathered together for Tyffani’s “family reunion” and Olan Mills photo. Martin was present, wearing Roy’s clothes, and everyone mistook him for Roy. When T.J. asked where Martin was, Teflo admitted that he’d drowned Martin in front of an audience of mourners. Before anyone could react, Roy (still wearing Martin’s clothes) staggered in. Shocked to see “Martin” still alive, Teflo realized that only a lifeguard could survive the drowning he administered. Realizing that “Martin” was actually Roy, T.J. turned to look at him…just as the love potion kicked in. T.J. kissed Roy so passionately that he sucked the water out of Roy’s lungs, fully reviving him. Revealing his true identity for those who were still confused, Martin explained that he and Roy had switched places, and while he was in disguise, he’d found the tape recorder that Teflo used to rehearse his sermons…and the recorder had been left on when Teflo admitted that he was responsible for all the fat kid’s deaths. Teflo tried to destroy the evidence by karate-kicking the tape recorder out of Martin’s hand, but Terry counter-attacked with a karate kick of her own. Mumsy joined Terry in beating up Teflo, and soon the rest of the staff joined in. Martin declared “Oh, this is like that Agatha Christie where EVERYBODY did it!” The beat-down on Teflo continued until Tyffani announced that the Olan Mills photographer was about to take the picture. Everybody stopped and smiled for the camera over Teflo’s body.
TO BE CONCLUDED…
-
Martin L’Douche called a staff meeting for the last day of summer. To support Tyffani in her new position, Martin let her announce the ride closings and openings. Tyffani read the report that they were closing Banana Dick’s Cirrhosis of the River (where patrons switched organs halfway down the ride), which surprised no one. However, they were opening Moist Midtown, just in time for Freaknik. Dr. Poole warned that this was a disaster waiting to happen, but he was mollified with Tyffani told him he’d be in charge of spraying down the patrons. Tyffani asked everyone to end the meeting with an affirmation, but most of their “affirmations” were sinister and threatening. Upset by all the negativity, Martin stormed out of the meeting.
Some time later, Dr. Poole was in his laboratory when Martin entered and informed Poole that, after leaving the meeting, Martin had gone into his office and found a beaker of acid perched atop the door. Poole asked “Did you die?” When Martin pointed out that he obviously didn’t, Poole retorted that he was “talking to a ghost,” insisting that the best thing Martin could do for the park would be to die. Poole declared that Martin’s “weak, sad Canadian shoulders” couldn’t support the weight of his responsibilities. Martin admitted that Poole was right, and demanded that Poole tell him more brutal truths. Poole proceeded to mock Martin’s hair, then told Martin that he was the only thing standing between the park’s destiny or destruction.
Roy and T.J. awkwardly met at the lifeguard station and discussed their recent love-potion-induced encounter. They admitted that they’d always envied each other even before the potion, and wondered whether they might have a shot at a real relationship. T.J. confessed that he had a dark secret—he was going to have to kill someone. Roy protested “So it’s just Fuck, Marry, or Kill with you? Which one am I?” T.J. revealed that his feelings for Roy fell under a fourth option: Love.
Tyffani was at her post by the stanchions, guiding patrons into the park, when her estranged mother Evelyn L’Douche arrived. Evelyn criticized Tyffani’s efforts, pointing out that Tyffani had her uncle’s weak Canadian shoulders, unlike Evelyn’s strong, square ones. Evelyn wanted Tyffani to come back to New York, where Evelyn could protect her.
Mumsy L’Douche was taking a rest in the breakroom when her ex-husband Rev. Teflo Money entered. She exclaimed that she thought he was dead after the vicious assault he suffered, and he said that he thought so too…he had an out-of-body experience, and as everything went black, the last thing he saw was her face…and the sight of her aroused him back to life. Mumsy was so moved by his speech that she creamed herself (which was more than he’d ever done for her during their marriage). Mumsy blamed Teflo for the park’s downfall, since Teflo ran out and they had to put the incompetent Martin in charge. Teflo took responsibility for Martin’s weakness, as Teflo had never told Mumsy about his own Canadian heritage. (“I don’t even have shoulders!”) Stirred by his apology, Mumsy passionately kissed Teflo with a mouthful of Nerds.
Terry was up on the high dive when T.J. came up behind her, startling her. T.J. showed off the cool solid gold sunglasses that Teflo gave him, and she angrily knocked them out his hands. She chastised T.J. for making friends with Teflo, when all Terry wanted was Teflo’s money. She complained that all she’d ever asked T.J. to do was rob the Dracula brothers and Teflo, and he’d failed every time. T.J. pointed out that he had gotten some jewelry, but she insisted on cash. As they spoke, Terry looked into T.J.’s eyes and realized that he was in love with Roy.
Martin was in the breakroom when his sister Evelyn entered (“I’d recognize those shoulders a mile away”). Evelyn informed Martin that she was taking Tyffani back to New York, and selling the land the park was on. Martin pleaded with her not to shut the park down, but she explained that she needed to think of her own career, so she couldn’t afford to be associated with “a place where rats come to kill themselves.” Martin begged for one last chance to prove himself.
Tyffani went to the lifeguard station to inform Roy that Evelyn was selling the park. Tyffani lamented that she couldn’t stand up to her mother, because Evelyn was so perfect. Roy sympathized, as he’d never been able to live up to his Coast Guard dad. Tyffani lamented that her mother’s visit had made her so upset, she’d forgotten to feed her Tamagachi. Roy and Tyffani realized they were both in the shadow of their parents. Drawing inspiration from Sandra Bullock, Tyffani declared that she was going to stand up for herself. Roy followed suit, announcing that he didn’t want to be a lifeguard anymore, and he threw down his whistle.
Teflo and Poole met in the Wave Pool to discuss Teflo’s plans to turn the park into a giant baptismal factory. When Teflo complained that the chlorine was burning his eyes, Poole exclaimed that meant it was at just the right level; the high chlorine content would weed out the weak, and any babies that survive will be made stronger. Hearing Poole say it out loud, Teflo realized just how evil his plans were. Poole was taken aback by Teflo’s display of conscience and weakness (“You’re Canadian, aren’t you?”), and declared that he would go through with the plan and kill Martin, even if Teflo was too weak to do so.
Mumsy and Evelyn met at the Lost & Found. Mumsy told her daughter that she may have walked away from the family business, but Evelyn would still always be a L’Douche. Evelyn laughed that Mumsy couldn’t stop her from taking Tyffani and selling the land. Evelyn explained that she had tricked Mumsy into signing the land over into Evelyn’s name, thanks to a disappearing-ink document.
T.J. met Roy at the high-dive and noticed that Roy no longer had his whistle. Roy revealed that he had quit. Some patrons down below called for help, but Roy told them he was no longer a lifeguard. The patrons pointed out that he was still wearing a shirt with “Lifeguard” written on it, so Roy stripped it off and threw it to the ground. T.J. showed his solidarity by taking off his own shirt, and the patrons panicked that there were no lifeguards on duty. One patron pointed out “Wait, those look like official lifeguard shorts to me.”
Tyffani and Martin met by the stanchions. Tyffani told her uncle that she supported him, even though everyone else had been shitting on him. (“That’s the first time I’ve ever cussed, that’s how much I believe in you.”) Tyffani reassured Martin that neither he nor the park were failures; when she looked out at the crowds, she saw hope. And she had a plan of her own; since she shared a middle name with her mother, that meant that the paperwork was in HER name too, and she could use that loophole to reclaim the park. Martin told her that the park wasn’t what was important, SHE was. And as an afterthought, he casually informed her that he’d hired a hitman and put out a contract on himself.
Back at the high-dive, Roy had stripped out of his lifeguard shorts and was down to his underwear. T.J. followed suit, resigning his position by taking off his own shorts. Terry arrived and asked if she was interrupting anything. T.J. replied that she was interrupting his apology to her, and he thanked her for slapping some sense into him; he now realized that he only wanted Terry as a friend, and his true feelings were for Roy. Terry used her authority as a bookie to pronounce T.J. and Roy (non-legally) married, sealing the union by giving them a bracelet.
Terry ran into Dr. Poole’s laboratory. He asked if she had killed Martin yet, and she pointed out that T.J. was the one who was trying to kill Martin; she’d been trying to keep Martin alive. She asked if he was genuinely getting the park’s two black employees mixed up, and he had no response to that. Awkwardly changing the subject, he told her that he had traced her family lineage as requested, and had learned that a Chicago couple named Carl and Harriette Winslow were her birth family…and family matters.
Martin was in the breakroom when his father Teflo entered. Teflo apologized for not being there for Martin, explain that he left because Martin was weak, and he thought that he could toughen up Martin by abandoning him. Martin pointed out that his life of hard knocks had only made him weaker. Teflo realized that instead of trying to harden Martin, he could have simply appreciated having a soft son. Teflo then admitted that, after looking through the park and everything wrong with it, the laughter of the patrons got through to him. He wanted to be part of the park and his family again. Teflo picked up Martin in his arms, like he never had when Martin was a kid.
Roy, T.J., Terry, and Dr. Poole met by the lifeguard station (or ex-lifeguard station, now that Roy and T.J. were civilians). Roy and T.J. revealed their “honeymoon” plans of going to the West Coast and visiting all the Baywatch filming locations. Poole asked if T.J. was still going to kill Martin for him, and T.J. said he’d put that all behind him. When Poole lost his temper over this, they told Poole that HE needed to put the park behind him as well. They took away Poole’s chemical sprayer and undid his labcoat to make him a fellow civilian.
Teflo called a family meeting. Tyffani surprised them by revealing that, having the same middle name as her mother, she had signed the paperwork and now SHE owned the park. Evelyn was proud of Tyffani’s ruthlessness, but Teflo was ashamed that his granddaughter had become like him. Martin said this was an opportunity to stay together as a family, but Evelyn replied that New York was her home. Tyffani assured her mother that she could come back at any time. Terry, T.J., Roy, and Dr. Poole arrived to celebrate the park being saved. As they all cheered, Martin’s “hitman” revealed herself when Evelyn snapped her brother’s neck. (“That hair had to go.”) Terry used her EMT skills to revive Martin, who revealed that his near-death experience had shown him all of their future adventures. But, rather than tell everyone that future, he declared that he’d hired a SECOND hitman…himself! Martin attempted to kill himself, but the others stopped him. Everyone assured him that the park needed him, and he needed to live. Martin pointed out that most of them had been trying to kill him for the past few weeks, but he accepted their love and forgiveness…and agreed to get a haircut.
THE END
